Thursday, November 30, 2006

Webber Time

The Philadelphia 76ers announced that Shavlik Randolph will be out indefinitely after breaking his ankle. This injury actually opens the door for Chris Webber to have more playing time. That's right, Chris Webber will be playing more due to Shavlik Randolph's injury. I'd like to meet the guy that forecasted that three years ago.

Speaking of the Sixers, I'd like to open the floor for discussion of the best running mate Iverson has had since he's come into the league. The Ghost of Chris Webber? Todd MacCulloch? Eric Snow in his prime? Can you actually make the argument that Aaron McKie coming off the bench wins this dubious honor? I haven't researched this, but please tell me that there has been some good player that I'm not recalling.

Lindsay Lohan Sends Her Condolences

Read this short letter. It was sent to the Altman family after Robert Altman's recent death. Lindsay Lohan sends her condolences:

I make a solemn promise to spell-check and proofread.

Make everything adequite,
T. Monk

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Psycho T Photo Extravaganza

above: Tyler looking good in a stylish Polo during his high school days

above: Hansbrough reacting after he slam dunked on the other teams' faces

above: Psycho T getting his scream on while fighting through the pain

above: artist's rendering of Tyler levitating in his Baphomet costume during a meeting of the Knights Templar

above: T getting crazy wit' it

Mono Downpour in Gainesville

Florida's most versatile player, Corey Brewer, has been sidelined due to contracting mononucleosis, also known as "the kissing disease," due to its spreading through the transportation of saliva. I once had mono, and it wasn't fun. I did, however, watch Kazaam seven times during the four days I was unable to move from a couch. I do now hold the Guiness record for most Kazaam viewings without killing someone or hurting myself. Asked where he could have contracted the disease, Brewer stated, "I don't know, probabaly one of the 100 million girls I've been with in the past few weeks. It's kind of hard to keep track, dipshit."

Recent news has reported Florida's most highly publicized player, Joakim Noah, and their head coach Billy Donovan are receiving blood work in the next day to find out if they have also contracted the kissing disease. And it has been speculated that something other than basketball fever has been traveling around the Florda locker room. Billy Donovan told ESPN, "I'm worried about Joakim right now. He's got kind of the same symptoms I have. Heck, I hope I don't have mono because I have to go in for blood work. I feel awful myself." After a five minute long silence where reporters tried to make sense of his statements, one reporter joked about Noah and Brewer living together, and asked, "Have you been spending a little too much time over at the boy's house, Billy?" Noah and Brewer live with Al Horford and Taurean Green who were the sophomore nucleus of last year's Championship team. "Well Joakim gets a little scared sometimes at night," he responded.

The Gay and Lesbian Advocators of Defense (GLAD) has been actively pursueing this story to have [bleep] student-athlete representation. Christian Diabonte, President of GLAD, said, "We are really hoping this speculation is true. We haven't had two [bleep] and proud student-athletes of this popularity since Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley."

Other SEC players and coaches have been wondering about the sudden outbreak of mono that may be taking hold of Florida's players. Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who has become a media-darling for his weather predictions for each SEC school during media day changed his weekly outlook, "Well I'd have to say it's raining now in Gainesville - Raining [bleep] man-cum all over the place." Whatever the cause, this reporter is confident to say it looks like the only thing that can stop Florida this year is the absence of umbrellas in this [bleep] man-cum downpour.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Thanks Law School, I Owe You One!

Just in case four three hour finals approaching wasn't enough to drain the spirits out of every 22 year-old first year student spending their days and nights at crowded desks in smelly rooms staring at obese woman picking at their split ends, law school administrators decided on another fun idea: One whole extra day of classes. YAY! Just what I've always wanted. On Monday afternoon we received a campus wide email alert that said in one sentence: Wednesday class will be treated like a Monday of class. Wow, now this was really exciting to read. Because if you didn't know I only have two classes early Wednesday morning, but I have three long classes that begin at 9 am and end at 3pm. With only a week left of classes, this was the perfect after-dinner wine to compliment an extraordinary appetizer and main course of a semester. Even better, as I was so excited to hear the news, I began asking everyone around school what was the meaning of this extra class I get to attend. For some reason, no one could give a decent answer. The most common response was: I have no fucking idea. I have no idea either. It must be a Festivus Miracle. Really, thanks a lot law school. Once again you amaze me. You really know how to pick a guy up when he's down - with a swift right foot into the nutsack.

Djimon Hounsou deserves more

That's right, Djimon Hounsou deserves more. I'm sick and tired of people referring to Djimon Hounsou as "Amistad." Yes, Djimon Hounsou was the main character in a movie entitled "Amistad." However, Amistad is not his name. Just as Adam Sandler's name is not "Waterboy" and Kevin Costner's name is not "Waterworld." Similarly, and I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, Ben Affleck's name is not "Armageddon." Amistad was the name of the infamous slave ship that transported Hounsou's character to the United States.
Second, Hounsou deserves more roles in Hollywood. He only gets cast as the "African guy" in movies. That really gets on my nerves. It's not that he's not really good in that role, because he is. If you haven't seen him in that role in "Four Feathers," you're missing out. Come by my house and borrow that shit. Honestly, "Four Feathers" is the most underrated movie of all time besides "Meet Joe Black." I honestly think Hounsou would have been a great choice for the new Bond. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think Daniel Craig was a good choice, but how awesome would Hounsou have been as Bond? The answer is "very."

sammy sosa is a smiley face

Jagt Off

It was a dark dawn this morning when we awoke to an NFL without the beloved Mike Vanderjagt. The Idiot Kicker is packing his bags and heading back to Canada just in time to catch the inflated sales taxes for all his Christmas purchases. We’ll miss his gay ear ring, his frosted tips, and his tattoo of a Nike swoosh above his left ankle (except it’s not a “Nike” swoosh, it’s a “Mike” swoosh. Get it? His name is only one letter different from Nike). I don’t think there is a much better embodiment of Vanderjagt’s overall shitty demeanor than the fact that he actually got his own name tattooed on himself. As a Cowboys fan, I’ll personally miss times like when he pushed a makeable field goal against the Colts and then could be seen smiling, laughing, and talking to a few Colts defenders (a trademark of that “killer instinct” he claimed Peyton Manning lacked). I know it’s hard, but let’s try not to feel too bad for Vanderjagt. Good things happen to good people, and I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. Maybe a career in modeling awaits this talented individual. After all, he once humbly described his physical appearance as “longer, curly blonde hair, blue-eyed, tall…just the typical Brad Pitt look I guess, for lack of a better guy.” For lack of a better guy indeed. So long Mike, your awesomness will be missed.

While it just won’t feel like the NFL this weekend without Mike, this opens the door for Martin Gramatica, last seen during that horrible half time project on Monday Night Football in 2003 that featured him and his brother singing karaoke songs. Gramatica has set aside the microphone and is ready to play some football.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Pleasant, Off-White, Cotton Curtain

After a potential season-turning game against the Baltimore Ravens turned into a 27-0 blowout loss, the Pittsburgh Steelers seemed less than upset about the game. “Yeah it always sucks to lose,” said starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, “But, hey, we just won the freakin’ Super Bowl less than a year ago. So who really cares?”

In several post-game conferences following the loss to the Ravens, the Steelers players and coaches demonstrated a suprisingly content attitude towards this year’s 4-7 start. “Listen, we’re 4-7 to start this year, and we’re not even really trying. I think that’s pretty damn impressive,” said Bill Cowher the Steelers head coach. “I’ll be honest after last year’s Super Bowl win, we really haven’t done much since,” he responded. Cowher continued, “They gave us the old reach-around. And yeah, it hurt. But it’s not like we didn’t see it coming. I didn’t think we’d win a game this year.”

When asked what he did to prepare for the game today Roethlisberger responded, “Let’s see … I had about 6 MGD’s, smoked a couple cigarettes and ate two Roethlis-burger’s.”
He held up a Roethlis-burger, took a bite and smiled, “Hey, I’m a Super Bowl champion, I’ve got my own burger, I think I’ve accomplished quite a lot in my first three years. I think I deserve, hell, I think we all deserve a season off.”

The Steelers may be the second team in NFL history to win the Super Bowl and have a losing record the following year. The only previous team to do this was the 1991 Giants, but 13 of their starters were suspended the following season due to rape charges.

“Look if you ask me, I only have one complaint this season,” said Willie Parker the starting running back, “If anything we are trying to hard. Ben took nine sacks today. Somebody might get hurt.” Roethlisberger was sacked nine times against the Ravens and has 36 sacks on the season. “If it were up to me,” Parker continued, “I’d just have us go out there in shoulder pads and helmets and let us whack off for 90 minutes. We’d get the same accomplished it would be a lot safer. We really don’t care about the game.”

“I’ve just been concerned with drinking and facial hair,” Roethlisberger stated, “Oh yeah, and getting cheese put on the Roethlis-burger.”

"Listen," said Jerome Bettis of his former team, "What do you think Moses did after he built the arc? You didn't hear about him building another arc just to say he did it. He build the arc, was successful, and took a little bit of a break. He enjoyed his time at sea. After some decompression time he got back to business and started turning the water into wine."

“When I give the Cowher growl,” the head coach stated, “I’m really just doing it for this endorsement thing. Usually I really am mad, but I get $10,000 or something every time I do it. Did Willie tell you guys about the whacking off idea?”

A relaxed Duce Staley, once starter and now third string running back for the Steelers summed the season up in just a few words, “I actually quit trying three years ago. I would have asked to be traded, but this is actually a lot more fun that trying to win games. Especially if this whacking off thing isn't just a rumor.”

Saturday, November 25, 2006

You Gotsta Chill

With my first post and introduction to the AwesomeUSA readers I decided to return to a topic that has managed to allude each of us for the past several years. Am I talking about the top ten coolest people of all time? You bet your balls I'm talking about the top ten coolest people of all time. This list welcomes criticism, outrage, and throwing up at the sight of it. It is my top ten and has been developing for four years.

1) Muhammad Ali
-Greatest athlete of all time, fused sports with politics, lost three years of his prime for refusing to step forward in the draft. The best thing about Ali is that take all of that stuff away and his personality still made him one of the coolest people to ever live.
-On a side note, boxing is the coolest sport. There was a two year period where Natty and I were obsessed with boxing. It culminated in a summer of shutting down the pool we worked at and playing Knockout Kings for hours at a time. We seriously considered driving to Mississippi at one point to watch David "The American Dream" Reed box.
-My obsession with Ali began when I was 12. It reached its climax when I defriended a guy two weeks ago in St. Louis because he tried to tell me Mike Tyson was a better boxer.
-Reference Zaire74 (the unveiling of the rope a dope), Rumble in the Jungle (where Ali shut both of Frazier's eyes by the 14th round) , and When We Were Kings
2) Paul Newman
-One of the greatest actors of our time but he hasn't gone psycho like Brando. I really thought Marlon Brando was a better actor and looked just as cool on screen, but ballooned to 250 pounds, started eating his own toenails and who knows what else.
-Newman has also been married for over 50 years which is unheard of in Hollywood. He started his own salad dressing company that donates all of its profit to charity. AwesomeUSA is a big proponent of charity. People being helped by people that aren't us.
-Newman is a really good and humble person despite all of his success. He isn't anti semantic or a christian scientist.
-Reference Cool Hand Luke (greatest movie ever made) and The Hustler
3) Larry David
-co-creator of Seinfeld, creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm. He is a bald jewish narcissist but one of the funniest men alive.
-He actually did quit Saturday Night Live by walking into Lorne Michaels office and telling him the show sucked, he was embarassed to be a part of it, and he would never work for him again. The next day he realized he had just thrown away a year's salary so he tried to go back and pretend it never happened. That's cool.
-He also quit Seinfeld over 10 times throughout the years and wasn't allowed in production meetings with NBC because of his tyraids. That's also cool.
4) Charles Barkley
-He has the coolest nickname in sports Sir Charles. He scored 50 points in a game after Chris Webber did a reverse dunk and celebrated like an idiot. Apparently it was obvious it was in retaliation for the dunk. He also fought mascots and bounced a ball of Shaq's head and then wrestled him to the ground. I love Shaq, but I love Sir Charles more.
-I really do hope he's a politician someday, even though he's a republican. John McCain, Rudy Guiliani, and Sir Charles would be the only republicans I would ever vote for. Well I'd probabaly vote for John Ashcroft too since he lost to a dead guy in Missouri, believes Calico cats are a sign of the devil, thinks nude statues of woman are porn, and believes in executing retarded people. All things I support and enjoy.
5) George Clooney
-Sort of an obvious pick which I don't really like, but he is the closest thing to Paul Newman right now. I don't really enjoy that many of his movies, but Syriana was one of his most underrated movies. If you havne't seen it you should.
-His career was actually bombing worse than Christian Slater's at one point but he bounced back with another underrated movie Three Kings.
-He's also a liberal from Kentucky, which is pretty cool. He also talks about being a liberal from Kentucky a lot, which I like.
6) P. Diddy
-I really didn't want to put him on the list, because I've never been a big fan of him until recently. My turning poing was watching an MTV documentary about Diddy preparing to run the New York City Marathon. In the documentary he rode around his entire office building (which is several stories in a huge high rise ) on a Segway that made his head almost hit the roof. He would ride down the aisles and stop in people's offices, but he never got off of it. All of his employees loved him and you could tell really loved when he came by to see them.
-He also donated an ungodly amount of money to inner city Harlem schools.
-His music sucked, but he realized it kind of sucked and does other things. I think that's pretty cool.
7) Chad Johnson
-I just love his interviews, love watching him play, and love his gold grills. He is unique, loud, brash, and is the most entertaining person in sports right now.
8) Dave Eggers
-One of the most talented writers in the entire world. He also donates all of the money he makes to charities and created the 826 charities where people volunteer their time to teach kids reading and writing skills.
-Reference and A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius
9) Craig Kilborne
-An odd pick I admit. But just think about it: He's worked for Sportscenter, The DailyShow, and had his own late night talk show. All three some of the coolest jobs you can have. He made really funny sportscenter commercials as well. He was one of the pioneers of that whole great thing that exists.
-He is also the most underrated comedic presence in Old School. "You can't tell you know? That's what chicks do, they tell on each other. You're not a chick are you?"
10) Richard Pryor
-The greatest comedian to ever live. He lit himself on fire in a drug accident and developed stand up to make fun of himself. He did a bunch of movies with Gene Wilder and would talk about the only reason he did it was for the money. He talked about how much his movies sucked but they paid him a lot of money so he would keep doing it.
-Reference a clip on where he does a 20 minute interview and is so high on cocaine that they can't use any second of the footage. It's one of the funniest things you can ever watch. It's not awkward because everyone there is laughing too hard

Honorable Mentions:
Steve McQueen, Conan O'Brien, Runs with Two Horses, Che Guevera, Ray Payne, Bill Murray, Hakeem Olajuwonand Mick Jagger.

10 People Who are Extremely Overrated:

1) Kanye West
2) Sean Connery
3) Michael Jordan
4) Psycho T
5) Rick Pitino
6) Randy Moss
7) Grey's Anatomy (the whole cast)
8) My Name is Earl (the whole cast)
9) Tiki Barber
10) Florida (the whole state)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'm So Excited

There are few things more important than enjoying every moment of Thanksgiving. That said, I hope both of our faithful readers have an outstanding Thursday. Fortunately, the good times can keep coming after Thanksgiving this year. That's right, Friday at 1:30 p.m. on TBS, you can catch the episode of Saved By the Bell where Jessie is addicted to caffeine pills. Don't miss this opportunity to improve your quality of life. That is all.

This is Our Country?

If anyone has watched any relevant sporting event over the last month, they're frightfully aware of at least three things: 1) two schools named Michigan and Ohio State played in a game of college football last weekend; 2) someone at espn has the job of keeping up with the number of days and hours between every Monday Night Football game; and 3) Jessica Simpson, Toby Keith, and John Mellencamp must be making a killing off those damn commericals.
Seriously, during any given game, you're almost guaranteed to see (or hear, in the case of the Cougar) each of their ads at least twice. Natty and myself are in complete agreement that the Jessica Simpson spot is by far the most annoying. All in all the whole thing's one big disgusting disaster that I can't even bear to watch.
As for Toby, poking fun at this guy is like taking candy from a blind baby with no fingers.
Mr. Mellencamp, on the other hand, has sold his songwriting soul. Shame on you, John, shame on you. You used to stand for something, and now an entire generation will associate you with an annoying ballad from a truck commerical. Man, you used to be the Cougar.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

In Defense of Psycho T

Apparently, Tyler Hansbrough's Tar Heel teammates refer to him as "Psycho T" for his primordial screams during weightlifting sessions.
Let me give this post some context: Thel. Monk posted a response to a previous post in which he states that Psycho T will be another Mark Madsen at best. While their levels of goofiness are quite similar and they both have ridiculous nicknames (Psycho T and Mad Dog), their games are quite different.
For one, Pyscho T averaged 18.9 points per contest as a FRESHMAN. Mad Dog averaged 12.2 points per a senior. As a freshman, Mad Dog muscled in 5.9 points per game.
Second,...well, I was going to do more research on Monk's comparison, but then I realized, this is the same guy who, during a certain UK game last season, compared Randolph Morris to Shaquille O'Neal. Randolph Morris is perhaps the 4th best center in the SEC this year (after Big Baby, Corn Rows Davidson, and Joakim Noah). Shaquille O'Neal is arguably the best center to ever play the beautiful game (although I would argue like hell for Hakeem Olajuwon).
But maybe I missed the point of Thel. Monk's response. Randolph Morris averaged 8.8 points per game as a freshman, numbers comparable to a certain Stanford graduate who likes to do the butt dance. So, if by comparing Psycho T to Mad Dog, Thel. Monk was actually comparing Psycho T to Shaq, then I must say: I think you're giving Psycho T a little too much credit.

2 more things:
1) Thel. Monk's Perry Stevenson-Hakim Warrick comparison was right on the money. I'm almost embarrassed I didn't catch it before.
2) I laughed out loud during my Professional Responsibility class when I read Runs with 2 Horses' post. Specifically, I laughed at the point in which Runs makes a comment about tongue kissing Joakim Noah. The Prof was talking about the lawyer's ethical duty to reveal where his client has hidden bodies if he or she has reason to believe that the missing individuals might be alive. Obviously, this was an inappropriate time to laugh. He glanced at me as if to say, "You're a monster." I covered my mouth and dove back into one hell of a post.


As I was recently browsing some UK basketball message boards, I happened upon an interesting post regarding the lead blocking duo in each of Kentucky's seasons since 1979. It was interesting to note that Magliore and Mohammed were the #1 and 2 duos with 131 blocks between the two of them in '97 and 141 in '98. Even more interesting (I think) was the reply to the post that showed how Kentucky finished in each of those seasons from '79 to '05. The reply pointed out that there was no real correlation between blocked shots and team success, EXCEPT for the fact that when our top shotblocking duo rejects at least 118 shots (which happened 3 times, the two previously mentioned years, and '84 with Bowie and Turpin) Kentucky has gone Final Four, Championship game, National Championship.
Here's the full link,

In response to these findings I'm proposing "PROJECT 118" Perry Stevenson is one of the most exciting defensive big men UK has seen in a few years, and along with Randolph (when he decides to play) I'm thinkin they could easily reach the magic number of 118. So Kentucky fans, this is a call to you to do whatever you have to so that this team gets to 118. This may include signs, prayers, stalking phone calls to SWAT...or maybe we should all order some of these AWESOME t-shirts. Personally, I'm thinking about getting 118 tattooed on my forehead and threatening to kiss Perry Stevenson on the mouth for every block under 118 this year...but the t-shirt's nice too. Big Blue, Project 118 wants you!

Brett Favre is a Gunslinger

First things first. The Golden State Warriors have allegedly agreed to buy out Dajuan Wagner’s contract. I’m not positive, but an agreement between these parties presupposes that Dajuan Wagner is actually still alive. Awesome USA will continue to keep our readers posted on this development.

Florida -- When you dominate the tournament and return everyone except for Huertas (seriously, that’s the best guy they lost) I think you have to be ranked number one in the preseason. If they are hitting from the outside, then they are pretty much unbeatable.

I couldn’t agree with Natty more about Alando Tucker and Tyler Hansbrough. I think Hansbrough will be better in the NBA than most of these high profile freshman big men. And I also guarantee you that given the opportunity the Sonics will pass on Hansbrough in the draft so that they can take a more awkward foreign big man with the wingspan of a condor. Tucker might be the best Wisconsin player since Michael Finley. There, I said it Kirk Penney.

I just honestly heard Fran Fraschilla say that Greg Oden is the best center in the last forty years (no, he didn’t say he was “going to be”). He also named Adrian Peterson the greatest running back in NFL history and Haley Joel Osment the greatest actor in the history of film. Good news Fran, you’re invited to my house for the best Thanksgiving dinner since the Pilgrims came over here; if you need a ride, I’ll pick you up in the best 2000 Focus that Ford ever made.

The big bald white guy for UConn was named Ed Nelson, and it just so happens that he celebrated his 33rd birthday last week. He also tried out for an NFL team earlier this year, but it turns out that unless you’re Marky Mark the NFL doesn’t really hire over the hill white guys to play for them just b/c it’s a captivating story.

I was going to write how I thought UCLA was over ranked, but I’ve spent the last ten minutes watching them Cleveland Steam poor Chaminade. Chaminade doesn’t really count, but I’m going to withhold judgment on the Bruins for a little longer. Was anyone aware that Mbah a Moute is literally royalty in his native country of Cameroon? True story. UCLA also has a guy named Lorenzo who looks like a giant Kevin Federline.

If I could punch anybody in the world in the face it would be Greg Paulus. I would even possibly kick him in the nuts, and as a rule I never do that. Seriously, I would rather tongue kiss Joakim Noah and listen to stories about his parents than hang out with Greg Paulus. He’s the real life version of Sack Lodge from Wedding Crashers. Unfortunately, only a damn fool would leave Duke out of the top 15 until they actually prove they aren't good. The last thing I would do is not rank Duke in the top 25. They have 11 McDonald's All-Americans, and just b/c Coach K didn't play them last year, it doesn't mean they aren't good. If it were up to me I would rank Duke 3rd, just so they could be worse than that and nobody would talk about how much they are over achieving at the end of the year. Prediction: They'll be worse in the regular season than they have been the last few years, but they won't miss Redick's post-season flameouts. They get to the Elite Eight this season.

I’m also backing up Natty’s homework about Georgetown. Not only is it impossible for a team to be very good without impressive guard play, but the joy of watching Patrick Ewing Jr. foul people with reckless abandon is priceless.

I don’t think Pittsburgh makes the tournament this year. The Big East isn’t as top heavy as last year, but there is a lot of balance and I think they’ll get lost in the shuffle. Why? Because their best player is really good rebounder who won’t average more than 12 a game, and Krauser was absolutely the heart and soul of that team last year. Who is going to stand up and poke out the eyes of the Allan Ray’s of the world now?

Obligatory Comments About localesque teams:

IU – every IU fan should be furious about hiring Kelvin Sampson. Chronic underachievement in the tournament, and I’m still mad that Degree got him as a spokesperson like ten years ago. What kind of a half-ass national ad campaign comes up with Kelvin Sampson as the major endorsement? That said, he’ll win games in the regular season and he’s not likely to have the mental and emotional breakdowns with which Mike Davis regaled us. I’m still trying to figure out where Earl Calloway came from. He and Bobby Perry might have been the two best players in the first weekend of the NCAA tournament last year. If that doesn’t bother you then you have no soul.

Louisville – I don’t get the way Pitino puts teams together anymore. He used to find an athletic tall guy and stick him in the middle to run the floor and cause mismatches. Now he is relying on a lazy, fat freshman to save their season. Caracter’s talent is undeniable, but I see more Brandon Bender than Nazr Mohammed there. It’s pretty unlikely that Pitino will start a lineup with Palacios (who can only be described as a brick shithouse), Padgett, and Caracter. Who comes off the bench, and how is his attitude? Terrence Williams is dunkeriffic, but why does Pitino insist on exaggerating how good his players are lately. When UofL signed Williams, Pitino described him as a more athletic Dominique Wilkins, and unless I’m mistaken, he promised like five triple-doubles out of him this season. You would think he’d be more concerned with returning to the NCAA tournament than T-Will’s triple double tally. Warning: watch out Edgar Sosa, you’re not on my list yet, but a couple of slip-ups and you’ll be my Hispanic Paulus. Comprende?

Those UK freshmen have something special. You can’t coach the little things they do. Jasper makes crisp passes, Stevenson has unbelievable blocking instincts, and Meeks gets in the passing lanes and is a great finisher. I think Porter is UK’s next Ravi Moss. Morris looks ready to play hard for at least 20 minutes a game. Bradley needs to make two entry passes to Morris for every three pointer he takes. The Year of Wu??? How good are they going to be? Nobody has a clue. They could be worse than last year if they don’t play team ball, but they could contend for a number one seed if they start playing team defense and Joe Crawford quits taking threes just to show how high he can jump when he can get to the line whenever he feels like it. Crawford reminds me of Adam Banks in the Mighty Ducks II. He’s always playing for the scouts instead of just going out there and having fun. That Cake Eater needs to remember why he started playing basketball in the first place. It’s knucklepuck time, Joe! Make it happen

Monday, November 20, 2006

Neville Longbottom's Bed Sores

Preseason NCAA Basketball Top 25
1) North Carolina
-I told my roommate the other day that Tyler Hansbrough was the next Karl Malone. Then, I mentioned that he was almost too explosive to be the next Karl Malone. He suggested that he may be the next Elton Brand. I agree.
-I honestly put Hansbrough up there with Tim Duncan, Jason Williams (the black one), Larry Johnson, Shaquille O’Neal, and Corliss Williamson as the most dominating college basketball players in my basketball-viewing lifetime. Does anyone else have any other suggestions? If I had seen more of Danny Manning, he’d be on here. I really only saw Glen Rice during his tourney run. No Big 10 titles for Chris Webber means he doesn’t get on this list. Christian Laettner doesn’t make it because he makes me sick and because he wasn’t even the most dominant player during his career. Shaq was more dominant. Grant Hill was a close call. Runs with Three Horses, I’m waiting for a Monster Mash argument. In fact, if I was going to put a Kentucky player on this list, I’d give it to Tony Delk. And no, I didn’t forget about Allen Iverson.
-I used to think I had a Jayhawk fetish. As it turns out, I have a Roy Williams fetish.
-Oh, and why UNC over Florida? Because I think Hansbrough is amazing, and I can’t stand Joakim Noah (or Billy Donovan).
2) Florida
-Joakim Noah is not going to be that good of an NBA player.
-Al Horford is going to be a better NBA player. Although I may be backing off my second coming of Chris Webber comparison.
-For some reason, I can’t stand anything about Florida athletics, including that idiot of a backup quarterback, Tim Tebow.
3) Ohio State
-I almost put this team at number 2.
-They would be pretty darn good without all of the freshmen.
-I really do believe that Thad Matta is one of the five best coaches in the nation. In fact, if I was an AD, he’d be my pick to start my program from scratch (in a close call over Lorenzo Romar).
4) Kansas
-I don’t think Bill Self is that great of a coach.
-Brandon Rush is incredibly overrated. Do we really need to get this worked up over another Rush brother?
-Julian Wright is incredibly underrated. Shades of Magic Johnson but looks like James Worthy.
-I wish I hadn’t ranked them this high, and that’s not just because of the early loss.
5) Arizona
-I’m starting to realize that outside of the top 3 I really don’t feel that strongly about any of these teams. In fact, starting with Arizona, I would not be absolutely shocked if any of these teams (5-25) play like a bunch of jerks this year and fail to make the tournament. It’s that wide-open.
-This Marcus Williams kid isn’t that good.
-I’m kind of an Ivan Redenovic fan. Seriously.
-How over-hyped was Mustafa Shakur.
-Ben Howland is a top 5 coach.
-I really like Arron Afflalo, but I think he’s overrated. Same goes for Mbah a Moute, but I don’t even really like him.
-I wasn’t a big Jordan Farmar fan, but I think this team is really going to miss him.
-UCLA has great uniforms. Outside of Indiana and Xavier, they may be the best.
-Is Josh Shipp kind of a combination of a number of nondescript, underachieving, me-first gunners that have suited up for the Bruins since the Harrick era?
-I can’t believe I have this team at 6.
7) Connecticut
-I know this is supposed to be a rebuilding year, but this is also UCONN. And even though I hate Jim Calhoun, he just reloads every single year. If I had it to do all over again, I might rate this team at the 4 spot.
-Is anyone else confused why that big, bald white guy that looks like he could be in his mid-30s is on this team? He’s actually pretty decent, but it’s just really weird. So weird, in fact, I’m not going to bother looking up his name.
8) Memphis
-They’re going to win about 1,000 games in C-USA, solidifying their spot in the top 10.
-Beyond the top 8, I honestly have no idea.
9) Boston College
-It’s like Sean Williams skipped the whole incredibly cool college version of Drew Gooden part of his career and skipped straight to the incredibly uncool NBA version of #90. It’s not that I think their games are similar—they just look alike.
-Why did I rank this team 9th?
10) LSU
-I wish I had rated this team ahead of Boston College.
-I think a combination of an experienced Tasmin Mitchell and Magnum Rolle can somewhat replace Tyrus Thomas.
-Big Baby is going to be a very good NBA player.
-The only question with this team is at PG.
11) Wisconsin
-Alando Tucker is one hell of a college basketball player.
-Kammron Taylor is the second coming of Chris Rock.
-Sports Illustrated did this thing for their College Basketball Preview Issue where they issued like 5 different covers. The whole thing was about how this is the return of the big man. So, on each cover, a post player is standing in front of a smaller player who is peaking out from behind the post player. So, for example, I received the issue with Reyshawn standing behind Tyler Hansbrough. Well, one issue has Alando Tucker peaking out from behind Brian Butch. The point of this paragraph: Brian Butch was on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
12) Duke
-They shouldn’t be ranked this high. All they have is Josh McRoberts and Gerald Henderson. By the way, Gerald Henderson is going to be incredible.
-I watched them play some crappy team on TV last week, and they looked horrible.
-It’s hard to hate (or write about) this Duke team because they’re so damn boring.
13) Nevada
-Nick Fazekas is the only reason this team is this high.
-Well, there is one more reason: I am an idiot.
14) Georgetown
-I love John Thompson III, and I love this team, but they have no guard play.
-Watching this team play is great. They play so intelligently it makes the rest of college basketball look like the And 1 tour.
-Patrick Ewing, Jr. is suiting up for the Hoyas this season. That should be interesting…and funny. He falls down so much it’s like he playing on roller skates.
15) Wichita State
-Unlike my Nevada pick, I feel OK about this one. They return so many key players.
-This is a pretty athletic mid-major. Unfortunately, it’s also a pretty short one. Therefore, they will undoubtedly be dominated by players like Brian Butch.
16) Alabama
-I was really high on Jamareo Davidson last season, but he seems to lack fire.
-Davidson, Ronald Steele, Alonzo Gee, and Richard Hendrix: it’s hard to find a better foursome. The question is: do they have anything else?
-For some reason, I was higher on this team last season than I am this season. That makes about as much sense as ranking Nevada at 13.
17) Indiana
-I hate it that IU hired Kelvin Sampson. In the long run, I think it’s going to be bad for Hoosier basketball. But, he is an X’s and O’s guy, and they’re going to get some wins.
-D.J. White is going to be great (and so is his Tall T).
-If A.J. Ratliff goes off this year, so will Indiana.
-Rodrick Wilmont is the homeless man’s Michael Jordan.
-I don’t know that I can put into words how much I am going to miss watching Robert Vaden in a Hoosier uniform. The second coming of Chuck Person but without the idiocy.
18) Illinois
-The Big 10 and the SEC are head and shoulders better than the rest of the country. The Big East is a little down, and I rank it third. Followed by the ACC. The Big 12 and Pac-10 may as well be mid-majors this year. OK, that may be taking it a little too far.
-The big question now is: Bruce Weber can win with Bill Self’s talent, but can he recruit at the level that the Fighting Illini faithful are accustomed to? I think Weber is a great coach, but I don’t know if he can.
19) Louisville
-Call me crazy, but I think this team has a great deal of talent. But they’re all injured all of the time.
-I though Palacios was going to be special…maybe even in the mold of a Mashburn. Apparently not.
-If Padgett can stay healthy, …who am I kidding?
-Brandon Jenkins is a very good and extremely underrated college basketball player.
-Derrick Caracter is the key to the season…a very large, soft, moist key that doesn’t like to work very hard.
-I think Pitino is going to get the most out of Earl Clark.
-I haven’t been able to watch any of the The Ville’s exhibition games yet. I have looked at the box scores. It scares me that, when I look at the box scores, I think, “Something must have happened. There must have been 2 buses headed to the game, and one of them got a flat tire and didn’t make it. So, they only had 8 of the guys at the game. Or maybe a whole bunch of guys got suspended for something.” I’m not really sure what Rick’s doing right now.
20) Michigan State
-I don’t care who’s on the roster. Like UCONN, this team is always tough. However, I must admit that I am more than a little sick of commentators talking about how tough the Spartans are. The whole football practice thing is just really stupid.
-I love green, but I hate their uniforms.
21) Southern Illinois
-Runs with Three Horses told me he thinks Creighton is very overrated. I would agree. Sports Illustrate ranked them 13th. That’s like ranking Nevada 13th.
-The Salukis are the kings of the MVC, which makes me feel bad that I ranked Wichita State ahead of them. That reminds me: Salukis is one of the best nicknames in the country.
22) Kentucky
-I hate how talented Kentucky’s freshmen are. This honestly could be one of the most underrated recruiting classes in recent memory.
-Jodie Meeks is already a smarter player than Joe Crawford. By the way, Crawford gets my vote for lowest basketball IQ among all starters on any of these teams in the Top 25. It’s as if he hasn’t learned anything in the past 2 years. Meeks, on the other hand, is as smooth as a baby’s ass.
-Kentucky is probably better than 22. It pains me to admit that.
-The only thing that can derail UK from bouncing back from a disappointing season: the veterans not realizing that the freshmen are already better than them.
23) Pittsburgh
-This is the most overrated team in the country.
-Aaron Gray is good and all, but he’s not the type of guy that’s going to rally the troops and take the lead. If Gray is Pitt’s leading score, the Panthers are in trouble.
-I wish I hadn’t even put this team in the Top 25. I would replace them with Xavier.
24) Gonzaga
-I underestimated the Zags. After watching them on TV a couple of times, I would definitely have this team in the top 15. They’re for real.
-The whole Adam Morrison crying during the game last year thing, that was ridiculous. He’s a big damn idiot.
-Josh Heytvelt is one hell of a college basketball player. Already better than J.P. Batista.
25) Texas
-Like Pitt, very overrated.
-Kevin Durant may be good, but they pretty much lost everybody from last year’s team.
-The only thing that’s going to keep this team in the top 25 is the fact that the Big 12 is way down this year.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

This is a list of the top players in the was compiled before the playoffs started last year

Top 50 NBA Players
1) Tim Duncan
-The Big Fundamental knows how to win. Dominates each and every game silently.
2) Steve Nash
-Put him on any team, and you’ve got a top 8 team. Well, maybe not the Knicks or the Trailblazers.
3) Kobe Bryant
-The only player I will stay up until 2 in the morning to watch (besides Jalen Rose). It’s absolutely amazing to watch him play. However, this is a team sport. And no player on a 7 seed in today’s top heavy NBA is going to be rated the best player in the league (not by me, anyway). I don’t care if he scores 100 in a single game, the way he alienates his teammates is disgusting.
4) Lebron James
-Only a matter of time before he’s number one.
5) Dwyane Wade
-The only player in the league that will challenge Lebron in the future. I enjoy watching his style of play more than any other player.
6) Dirk Nowitski
-If he only played defense…
7) Elton Brand
-Ahead of Shaq? Yes. And I want to put him ahead of Dirk because he plays defense. Such a great motor. He outworks the opposition, despite the fact that he has the talent to coast like the rest of the league.
8) Shaquille O’Neal
-Just not consistent enough anymore. You never know which Shaq is going to show up, and that’s not his fault. He’s an old man.
9) Paul Pierce
-I hate it that he doesn’t have more talent around him. One of my favorite players to watch. One of the most skilled players in the NBA.
10) Tracy McGrady
-I know he’s been through a lot, and I sympathize. But until he gets refocused and rededicated, I just can’t rank him higher.
11) Chauncey Billups
-Sometimes I think he’s overrated. But it’s his ability to fill it up along with his physical dominance of other point guards that makes him the 2nd best point in the league.
12) Gilbert Arenas
-When I watch him play, I don’t understand how he takes the game over. Doesn’t play much defense, but he knows how to win.
13) Jason Kidd
-Richard Jefferson owes his career to Jason Kidd.
14) Amare Stoudemire
-Would probably be higher if not for injuries this past year. His game is so dependent upon his speed and explosiveness, you have to wonder if he’ll make it all the way back.
15) Richard Hamilton
-Besides Elton Brand and Tim Duncan, the most underrated guy in the NBA. Never stops running. Great mid-range game. A real winner. Leads by example. I think he’s just as important to the Pistons as Chauncey.
16) Jermaine O’Neal
-Might be headed downhill. I hardly ever think a shot he takes is going to go in.
17) Allen Iverson
-An amazing career, but his inability to adapt his game to anyone makes him a liability in Philly. I can’t stand watching him play anymore.
18) Kevin Garnett
-For some reason, this guy just can’t win.
19) Tony Parker
-Only player in the league that matches the constant energy of Richard Hamilton. How does a guy this small lead the league in points-in-the-paint? Sky’s the limit. Eva Longoria makes me sick.
20) Carmelo Anthony
-I don’t know if he’ll ever figure it out. Great talent but major headcase. Has immaturity written all over everything he does.
21) Shawn Marion
-Great player. Maybe most impressive rebounder in the league. I just can’t imagine him playing the lead role.
22) Michael Redd
-Best pure shooter this side of Ray Allen. Solid all-around game.
23) Ben Wallace
-Defense and rebounding second to none. A few years back, I would have had him rated higher. I’m feeling kind of bad right now that I don’t have him at 16 ahead of Jermaine O’Neal.
24) Vince Carter
-I hate this guy’s game. He’s lazy. He disappears when he’s off, and I’m convinced he fakes injuries. The motorcycle thing he does after he dunks is beyond stupid.
25) Yao Ming
-Showed signs of what could be this past year. I don’t know if he’ll ever develop a killer instinct.
26) Ron Artest
-Even with all of his off-court issues, he’s made the Kings a new team. Physically dominates other 3’s. A real idiot.
27) Ray Allen
-Doesn’t know how to consistently win in this league. And it’s beginning to get a little late to figure it out. Supercool, though.
28) Dwight Howard
-Unlimited potential. You have to love his work ethic and his ability to attack the glass. The heir apparent to Tim Duncan as best big man in the league.
29) Andrei Kirilenko
-The Swiss Army Knife.
30) Mike Bibby
-He really isn’t a point guard. Likes to score so much that it’s hindered his development and his team’s success.
31) Pau Gasol
-Shouldn’t be the main attraction in Memphis.
32) Josh Howard
-I love this guy.
33) Baron Davis
-How has he dropped so far?
34) Jason Richardson
-When he learns to do more than just score, I’ll rank him higher.
35) Chris Paul
-I think he’s a little overrated, but he is a winner.
36) Manu Ginobili
-Overrated; but comes up big in big games.
37) Joe Johnson
-If he had a real position, he’d be higher.
38) Chris Bosh
-Much ado about not a whole lot. I have trouble believing that someone on the team that Kobe scored 81 against will ever have the pride necessary to be a superstar in this league.
39) Larry Hughes
-The Larry Hughes of last year (coincidentally, his contract year) would be rated much higher. In all fairness, Larry has been dealing with injuries.
40) David West
41) Boris Diaw
-Lacks the killer instinct.
42) Brad Miller
-Rare combination: a hard-nosed center that you can run an offense through. Great passer. Outside of Shaq, Big Ben, and Yao, he’s the best center in the league.
43) Antawn Jamison
-Hasn’t played defense since he arrived in the league.
44) Al Harrington
-Hard worker. Great skills. Good stats. Limited athletically.
45) Ben Gordon
-Take his fourth quarter performances away and you’ve got a very average player. I doubt he has the length or athletic ability to play the 2 for an entire career.
46) Emeka Okafor
-If he hadn’t been injured for a good part of his career, he’d be rated a lot higher based on defense and rebounding alone. I know we were warned, but his limited offensive skills are quite depressing.
47) Andre Miller
-A couple years ago, I would have made the argument that he was the ideal NBA point guard. Just doesn’t control the game.
48) Marcus Camby
-On occasion, he takes over defensively. Other times, he sucks.
49) Tayshaun Prince
-More important to the Pistons than Sheed. Does it all. Great defensive player. Great attitude. I wonder what he’d be like on a team where he was one of the top 3 players.
50) Caron Butler
-Should be a lot higher. His development was stunted in Miami. I thought he was going to be the next Paul Pierce.