Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Mono Downpour in Gainesville

Florida's most versatile player, Corey Brewer, has been sidelined due to contracting mononucleosis, also known as "the kissing disease," due to its spreading through the transportation of saliva. I once had mono, and it wasn't fun. I did, however, watch Kazaam seven times during the four days I was unable to move from a couch. I do now hold the Guiness record for most Kazaam viewings without killing someone or hurting myself. Asked where he could have contracted the disease, Brewer stated, "I don't know, probabaly one of the 100 million girls I've been with in the past few weeks. It's kind of hard to keep track, dipshit."

Recent news has reported Florida's most highly publicized player, Joakim Noah, and their head coach Billy Donovan are receiving blood work in the next day to find out if they have also contracted the kissing disease. And it has been speculated that something other than basketball fever has been traveling around the Florda locker room. Billy Donovan told ESPN, "I'm worried about Joakim right now. He's got kind of the same symptoms I have. Heck, I hope I don't have mono because I have to go in for blood work. I feel awful myself." After a five minute long silence where reporters tried to make sense of his statements, one reporter joked about Noah and Brewer living together, and asked, "Have you been spending a little too much time over at the boy's house, Billy?" Noah and Brewer live with Al Horford and Taurean Green who were the sophomore nucleus of last year's Championship team. "Well Joakim gets a little scared sometimes at night," he responded.

The Gay and Lesbian Advocators of Defense (GLAD) has been actively pursueing this story to have [bleep] student-athlete representation. Christian Diabonte, President of GLAD, said, "We are really hoping this speculation is true. We haven't had two [bleep] and proud student-athletes of this popularity since Christian Laettner and Bobby Hurley."

Other SEC players and coaches have been wondering about the sudden outbreak of mono that may be taking hold of Florida's players. Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who has become a media-darling for his weather predictions for each SEC school during media day changed his weekly outlook, "Well I'd have to say it's raining now in Gainesville - Raining [bleep] man-cum all over the place." Whatever the cause, this reporter is confident to say it looks like the only thing that can stop Florida this year is the absence of umbrellas in this [bleep] man-cum downpour.


Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Mr. Monk,
Awesome USA is a friend of all of humankind. That being said, apologies to the gay and lesbian communities who may have been offended by this article.

November 29, 2006 at 5:03 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

am i fired yet?

November 29, 2006 at 5:41 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

You're skating on thin ice, my man.

November 29, 2006 at 6:07 PM  
Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

spellcheck won't bite. i promise.

November 29, 2006 at 6:49 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

yeah but it just won't catch the words that i butcher so badly, because it thinks i'm speaking in a foreign language.

November 29, 2006 at 6:53 PM  

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