Monday, November 27, 2006

The Pleasant, Off-White, Cotton Curtain

After a potential season-turning game against the Baltimore Ravens turned into a 27-0 blowout loss, the Pittsburgh Steelers seemed less than upset about the game. “Yeah it always sucks to lose,” said starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, “But, hey, we just won the freakin’ Super Bowl less than a year ago. So who really cares?”

In several post-game conferences following the loss to the Ravens, the Steelers players and coaches demonstrated a suprisingly content attitude towards this year’s 4-7 start. “Listen, we’re 4-7 to start this year, and we’re not even really trying. I think that’s pretty damn impressive,” said Bill Cowher the Steelers head coach. “I’ll be honest after last year’s Super Bowl win, we really haven’t done much since,” he responded. Cowher continued, “They gave us the old reach-around. And yeah, it hurt. But it’s not like we didn’t see it coming. I didn’t think we’d win a game this year.”

When asked what he did to prepare for the game today Roethlisberger responded, “Let’s see … I had about 6 MGD’s, smoked a couple cigarettes and ate two Roethlis-burger’s.”
He held up a Roethlis-burger, took a bite and smiled, “Hey, I’m a Super Bowl champion, I’ve got my own burger, I think I’ve accomplished quite a lot in my first three years. I think I deserve, hell, I think we all deserve a season off.”

The Steelers may be the second team in NFL history to win the Super Bowl and have a losing record the following year. The only previous team to do this was the 1991 Giants, but 13 of their starters were suspended the following season due to rape charges.

“Look if you ask me, I only have one complaint this season,” said Willie Parker the starting running back, “If anything we are trying to hard. Ben took nine sacks today. Somebody might get hurt.” Roethlisberger was sacked nine times against the Ravens and has 36 sacks on the season. “If it were up to me,” Parker continued, “I’d just have us go out there in shoulder pads and helmets and let us whack off for 90 minutes. We’d get the same accomplished it would be a lot safer. We really don’t care about the game.”

“I’ve just been concerned with drinking and facial hair,” Roethlisberger stated, “Oh yeah, and getting cheese put on the Roethlis-burger.”

"Listen," said Jerome Bettis of his former team, "What do you think Moses did after he built the arc? You didn't hear about him building another arc just to say he did it. He build the arc, was successful, and took a little bit of a break. He enjoyed his time at sea. After some decompression time he got back to business and started turning the water into wine."

“When I give the Cowher growl,” the head coach stated, “I’m really just doing it for this endorsement thing. Usually I really am mad, but I get $10,000 or something every time I do it. Did Willie tell you guys about the whacking off idea?”

A relaxed Duce Staley, once starter and now third string running back for the Steelers summed the season up in just a few words, “I actually quit trying three years ago. I would have asked to be traded, but this is actually a lot more fun that trying to win games. Especially if this whacking off thing isn't just a rumor.”


Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

Well my friend, you've redeemed yourself. We're pretty lucky to have an inside guy like you in the Steeler's locker room.

November 27, 2006 at 8:18 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Well, buddy, it's obvious you've brought a new dimension to Awesome USA: made-up stories.
Way to go, chief.

November 27, 2006 at 8:51 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

Isn't that Chauncey Billups with dreds in that Noah's Arc picture?

December 1, 2006 at 8:33 PM  

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