Jagt Off

It was a dark dawn this morning when we awoke to an NFL without the beloved Mike Vanderjagt. The Idiot Kicker is packing his bags and heading back to Canada just in time to catch the inflated sales taxes for all his Christmas purchases. We’ll miss his gay ear ring, his frosted tips, and his tattoo of a Nike swoosh above his left ankle (except it’s not a “Nike” swoosh, it’s a “Mike” swoosh. Get it? His name is only one letter different from Nike). I don’t think there is a much better embodiment of Vanderjagt’s overall shitty demeanor than the fact that he actually got his own name tattooed on himself. As a Cowboys fan, I’ll personally miss times like when he pushed a makeable field goal against the Colts and then could be seen smiling, laughing, and talking to a few Colts defenders (a trademark of that “killer instinct” he claimed Peyton Manning lacked). I know it’s hard, but let’s try not to feel too bad for Vanderjagt. Good things happen to good people, and I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. Maybe a career in modeling awaits this talented individual. After all, he once humbly described his physical appearance as “longer, curly blonde hair, blue-eyed, tall…just the typical Brad Pitt look I guess, for lack of a better guy.” For lack of a better guy indeed. So long Mike, your awesomness will be missed.

While it just won’t feel like the NFL this weekend without Mike, this opens the door for Martin Gramatica, last seen during that horrible half time project on Monday Night Football in 2003 that featured him and his brother singing karaoke songs. Gramatica has set aside the microphone and is ready to play some football.