Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Jagt Off

It was a dark dawn this morning when we awoke to an NFL without the beloved Mike Vanderjagt. The Idiot Kicker is packing his bags and heading back to Canada just in time to catch the inflated sales taxes for all his Christmas purchases. We’ll miss his gay ear ring, his frosted tips, and his tattoo of a Nike swoosh above his left ankle (except it’s not a “Nike” swoosh, it’s a “Mike” swoosh. Get it? His name is only one letter different from Nike). I don’t think there is a much better embodiment of Vanderjagt’s overall shitty demeanor than the fact that he actually got his own name tattooed on himself. As a Cowboys fan, I’ll personally miss times like when he pushed a makeable field goal against the Colts and then could be seen smiling, laughing, and talking to a few Colts defenders (a trademark of that “killer instinct” he claimed Peyton Manning lacked). I know it’s hard, but let’s try not to feel too bad for Vanderjagt. Good things happen to good people, and I’m sure he’ll land on his feet. Maybe a career in modeling awaits this talented individual. After all, he once humbly described his physical appearance as “longer, curly blonde hair, blue-eyed, tall…just the typical Brad Pitt look I guess, for lack of a better guy.” For lack of a better guy indeed. So long Mike, your awesomness will be missed.

While it just won’t feel like the NFL this weekend without Mike, this opens the door for Martin Gramatica, last seen during that horrible half time project on Monday Night Football in 2003 that featured him and his brother singing karaoke songs. Gramatica has set aside the microphone and is ready to play some football.


Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

Does that shell necklace remind you guys of anyone? Just curious. Also, I like to think that Vanderjagt was probably a Phi Tau.

November 28, 2006 at 2:17 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

Yeah I think I've seen Brad Pitt wearing white seashell necklaces and zip up jumpman track suits. Oh no wait, my fault, that was my overweight junior high locker partner who has two kids, 10 ass beatings taken, open sores on his neck, and currently four to seven years in federal prison. Yeah, sorry Brad Pitt is easy to confuse with lot of people.

November 28, 2006 at 2:18 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Bo asked me where you found that rockin' picture of Jagt. I told him I'm pretty sure he's married to your cousin and that you took that picture of him in your backyard last summer.

November 28, 2006 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

I think I just ran across an old workout video of Vandy from his early years with the Colts -
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4304789620081973188&pr=goog-sl -
he's the one in the checkered pink and green uniform.
Additionally, I believe the lead dancer with the long hair and headband is our long lost compadre Mr. Buonadonna.

November 28, 2006 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger Runs With Two Horses said...

I'd like to add that my sources told me that Dallas was originally going to go with Tony Romo as their replacement kicker. Romo once nailed a 65 yard field goal in practice...with his penis. Unfortunately, he's already the holder, and it would be a little crass to reduce Drew Bledsoe to that role. I'm glad you guys like the photo. This was my second choice


November 28, 2006 at 3:26 PM  
Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

Before I watched jumping bull's video I had no idea that Lauren Bethel was an aerobics instructor.

November 28, 2006 at 4:13 PM  

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