Things Have Gotten Really Weird Lately
Awesome USA! will be delving into some new territory for the next little bit. Notice that “next little bit” does not tie us into any sort of set time period. To be honest, this is the first blog post I’ve done in like a year or something, and I probably won’t do another one for at least that long. So whatev. Anyway, Bigfeet is going to be conducting some interviews with various famous people. I was going to get a funny picture off of google images to be Bigfeet, but I’ve gotten super paranoid lately, and I don’t want to get sued and/or killed. Plus, Bigfeet is super image-conscious, going so far as to provide us with his head shot for the blog. He also sucks and is a douche bag. So, without further ado, here is Bigfeet’s first interview. A little background info: Bigfeet is a 28-year old bachelor. He has a degree in interior design and is a freelance writer. He lives with his border collies, Brodie and Kool-Aid, in suburban Atlanta. He enjoys skiing and eating new foods. (I don’t know if that means trying new types of food or just eating fresh food, as opposed to stale or rotten food.) The Awesome USA! staff appreciates his willingness to lend his talents to our blog.
*A side note: Apparently, his name is “Bigfeet” and not “Bigfoot.” When I told him that that was stupid – kind of like the guy from my hometown people call “Scopions,” as opposed to “Scorpion” or “The Scorpion” – he said, “Well, why isn’t your name ‘Person.’” Needless to say, I felt like saying, “But my name isn’t ‘People’.” Rather than cause a big fuss, I just dropped it. Like I said, Bigfeet sucks and is a douche bag. Still, I think he’s a pretty darn good investigative journalist.
In this first (and probably last) installment of Bigfeet’s interview series, Awesome USA! has somehow lined up a discussion with Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe. Mugabe has been in the news a lot lately, as his Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front (ZANU-PF) party has come under international scrutiny for its violent suppression of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) opposition party and its nominee Morgan Tsvangirai, in the run-up to the 2008 general election. Awesome USA! would like to thank Mr. Mugabe for taking time out of his busy schedule to sit down for this intimate discussion.
Bigfeet: Good afternoon, President Mugabe.
Mugabe: Good afternoon.
Bigfeet: You, my friend, have been busy as of late.
Mugabe: Yes, well, it is hard work, you know, running a nation.
Bigfeet: Yes, I’m sure it is. So, Mr. Mugabe, you are quite the center of attention, the darling of the international media if I might say.
Mugable: Hardly. We have been demonized, made out to be demons.
Bigfeet: I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you, what with the whole taking the lands of the white man, supervising the armed suppression of the MDC, your chief political rival, driving the MDC’s presidential nominee, Morgan Tsvangirai, out of the country and into exile, and generally abandoning any semblance of democratic legitimacy.
Mugabe: Listen. We are acting on behalf of the good of the people. I am protecting the …
Bigfeet: OK. OK. Mr. Mugabe, you have been the leader of Zimbabwe since 1980. At some point, do you think you should step down, allow for a transfer of power, walk off into the sunset?
Mugabe: No, and for two reasons. One. This country, my people are still babies.
Bigfeet: Babies? How so?
Mugabe: They are not fully formed. But they also do not know their own strength, their own potential. But they need guidance.
Bigfeet: Powerful babies?
Mugabe: Enormously so.
Bigfeet: Ah, yes. Powerful, stainless steel robot babies.
Mugabe: You see, they need a strong leader, someone who will protect them from the colonialists. Bigfoot, …
Bigfeet: It’s Bigfeet.
Bigfeet: Yes, like more than one.
Mugabe: This makes no sense.
Bigfeet: Well, you’re one to talk.
Mugabe: Well, Mr. Bigfeet, there are other activities that a nation’s leader could be…
Bigfeet: You’re right. I’m sorry. And the second reason you would not step down to from your two-decade reign?
Mugabe: Oh, yes. You would never let me.
Bigfeet: I assure you, Mr. Mugabe, I would let you. In fact, I implore you, please step down, retire, move to Florida.
Mugabe: Not you, Bigfoot, I mean Feet. But the Americans, the West, the international community, the damned United Nations. I would be tried, brought up on charges of war crimes, crimes against humanity. That whole mess.
Bigfeet: And so you will wall yourself up in your presidential palace in fear of prosecution?
Mugabe: Of course it is not fear. And I am not, how did you say it, “walled” up in my presidential palace right now, am I? Besides, I have done nothing wrong, nothing that would ever cause me to be convicted in one of your international courts of justice.
Bigfeet: Then, why not step down?
Mugabe: Because the moment I step down. The moment I show weakness, Mr. Bigfeet, that is the moment that the UN, the international community, the human rights groups comes across our borders and we have colonialism all over again.
Bigfeet: But the international community does not want to intervene. Rwanda taught us that. The rest of the world would be happy if you would just allow the MDC and Mr. Tsvangirai to run for election against your ZANU-PF in a truly free and fair election. Without suppression.
Mugabe: Who is suppressing?
Bigfeet: Mr. Mugabe, let me read a few reports to you.
Mugabe: Who wrote these reports, the damned Red Cross?
Bigfeet: Are you kidding me? Who doesn’t like the Red Cross?
Mugabe: Pawns of the imperialists. Locusts of disease and famine. Purveyors of homosexuality.
Bigfeet: What? The Red Cross? I’m not sure I follow. I know that you have said in the past that there was no homosexuality in Zimbabwe before colonialism, but come on…the Red Cross?
Mugabe: I said it then and I stand by it now. Colonialism introduced the African to homosexuality.
Bigfeet: So, you mean to tell me that there wasn’t even one homosexual in the history of Africa before the colonialists set sail?
Mugabe: Not a one.
Bigfeet: Wow. That is completely insane. Anyway, back to these reports that I want to read to you. On June 27, the BBC reported that the MDC claims that “86 of its supporters have been killed and 200,000 forced from their homes by militias loyal to ZANU-PF.” In response, Mr. Tsvingirai pulled out of the election and has gone into exile. As it stands, you will win the election as the lone candidate, the only option for the people of Zimbabwe. The New York Times reported that villagers were being forced to chant pro-ZANU-PF slogans. They were then rounded up and taken to the polls to cast ballots for you – the only candidate running for election. Those that would not comply faced beatings and, in some cases, worse. It is also being reported that militias loyal to your presidency are demanding that villagers show them ink-covered fingers, indicating that they have voted. Your legacy is one of barbarism, corruption, and …
Mugabe: Now wait just a minute…
Bigfeet: And these are only your most recent atrocities, Mr. Mugabe.
Mugabe: Bigfeet, Bigfeet, I must stop you. Do you realize who ruled Zimbabwe before me, before the ZANU-PF? The colonialists. The white man. They weren’t even Africans. The ZANU-PF, like the ANC in South Africa, the party of Mandela, is the party of liberation, the party that gave the people of Zimbabwe its first taste of freedom after so many years of imperialistic oppression. Don’t you see?
Bigfeet: Mikhail Bukunin once wrote, “[T]he people will feel no better if the stick with which they are being beaten is labeled ‘the people’s stick.’”
Mugabe: I’m not sure I follow. Bigfeet, have you ever heard the story of the Dolphin Fish? My story of the Dolphin Fish.
Mugabe: I think this will clear some things up. When I was just a young boy. Before I became a man I was laying in a hammock eating some turds. I must have passed out or unintentionally poisoned myself, I really can’t say. Well, while I was out or whatever you want to call it, I had the most vivid dream I’ve ever experienced. It was more vivid than life. I could see all of the colors.
Bigfeet: I don’t mean to interrupt, but two questions. First, what does that mean, “I could see all of the colors?” Can you not normally see all of the colors? I guess I don’t understand. And second, did you say you were eating turds?
Mugabe: After I answer these two questions, I want you to allow me to finish my story. Afterwards, you can ask all the questions you want. I doubt you will have any, though, as I feel confident this story will illuminate everything. As for your first question, I don’t understand what I said – because I can see all of the colors of the spectrum normally, and I’m sure that I did not somehow see new colors during the dream-slash-poison sequence. And, as to your second question, yes. Most of my friends shunned me for doing so, but I guess I couldn’t help myself.
Mugabe: Anyway, back to the story. So I’m out cold or dazed or poisoned or what have you, and I have this crazy dream. Like I said, I could see all of the colors, very vividly. I was in some sort of desert forest inside what I think may have been a spaceship. At first I could only see it in the distance, but there it was, tiny at first, the top of a pyramid. I knew I had to get to the pyramid, to climb to the top. It was a feeling I had, a feeling I felt in my loins region. While I’m walking in the desert forest, though, these old people keep coming up to me asking for directions and food and stuff, and I’m like, “Hold on, people, I’ve got to get my ass to that big pyramid.” And they just keep calling out to me saying things like, “Hey, Robert, why don’t you give me a big handful of food to eat.” They’re starting to get on my last nerve, so I kill a few of them, which seems to make them realize that I really do have to get to the pyramid. But when I get closer to the pyramid, it dawns on me, and I start to realize that I am the pyramid and I’m already there. You know, one of those “it is I” moments. So, instead of spending my time traveling to where I am, I just jump in the big water tank and make love to the dolphin fish. I think it may have peed in my mouth, but I have since realized it was just a light beam it was shooting at me. I think that the dolphin fish uses its light beam to tell if someone has good in their heart. After we got done, I could tell that it had answers to a whole bunch of questions, so I tried to ask it questions, but it told me that it could only transmit the truth to me underwater. We go back under water, and I’m starting to get all weirded out because I’m starting to wonder if the dolphin fish is a boy or a girl. Finally, I realize that a fish isn’t a boy or a girl, so I realize that it doesn’t matter, and that it’s OK that I made love on it. Anyway, d-fish tells me that I’m going to do great things and have great responsibility one day and that the fate of a nation will rest on my shoulders. D-fish also tells me that it is the will of the people that I lead them out of bondage. Then, D-fish tells me that it is pregnant with our child. And, Bigfeet, do you know who that child became?
Bigfeet: OK, well, I think that is all the time we have. Mr. Mugabe, it has been really fun. Thanks for your time.
Mugabe: I think you know you that child is.
Bigfeet: I don’t think I do. Thanks again, President Mugabe.
Mugabe: Thank you, son, and, by son, I mean Zimbabwe.
Bigfeet: I know that it’s pointless for me to ask you this, but are you saying that I am your son? Or that I am Zimbabwe? Or that I am your son, Zimbabwe? Or that Zimbabwe was the offspring of your affair with the dolphin fish and your reference to me as your son was merely some sort of red herring?
Mugabe: You tell me, Bigfeet…you tell me.
Bigfeet: No, you know what, Mr. Mugabe? I’m not going to tell you anything. That story didn’t make any sense. And it was horrible. You’re a big-time idiot. This interview is over.
Mugabe: I thought you were supposed to ask me some questions about the NBA Draft.
Bigfeet: Well, yeah, but I can just make something up. The web site this interview is for has a lot of sports content. Most of it is crap, but I think they want me to somehow make this interview fit within the parameters of their blog.
Mugabe: I watched the draft.
Bigfeet: Really, during your run-off election? Well, what did you think?
Mugabe: A few things. First, how does Chris Douglas-Roberts not get picked until the second round?
Bigfeet: Preaching to the choir there.
Mugabe: And Gary Forbes doesn’t get picked at all, but Patrick Ewing, Jr.’s name gets called. There is no justice.
Bigfeet: You said it, Mugabe.
Mugabe: I’ll tell you who is thanking their lucky stars that Pat Ewing got picked – Joe Crawford. Because otherwise, he’s the head scratcher of the night. I mean did you see that guy play at Kentucky. Stevie Wonder has more court vision. Canaan Banana has a higher basketball I.Q.
Bigfeet: I’ve never been high on Doctor Professor, either.
Mugabe: Doctor Professor?
Bigfeet: Yeah, that’s what I call Joe Crawford, because he’s such a stupid basketball player. Get it? I know, it’s kind of a silly nickname.
Mugabe: No, no, I get it. That’s good. You’re being ironical. I like it. I might use it, if you don’t mind.
Bigfeet: No, not at all. Well, any other thoughts from the draft?
Mugabe: I think Kevin Love is a winner. Obviously, as a white man, he is the devil, but I’m pretty sure he adds ten wins to any team he’s on.
Bigfeet: Couldn’t agree more – about the wins, not about the whole all white people are devils thing.
Mugabe: And I love the Lopez twins.
Bigfeet: Same here. I have to say that I was feeling really bad for Darrell Arthur.
Mugabe: Me, too, but, when you think about it, it doesn’t matter that much. He got picked in the first round, so he’s got a guaranteed contract.
Bigfeet: True. Listen, Mugabe. You really know your hoops. I hate your politics, what with the whole bulldozing of the slums and exacerbating an already out-of-control refugee crisis in sub-Saharan Africa, but I’ll talk roundball with you any day of the week.
Mugabe: I’m going to take you up on that. Don’t think for a second that I won’t. One more thing, if he ever gets his head on straight, J.R. Giddens could be the steal of the draft, but that’s a big “if.”
Bigfeet: You’re a big “if.”
Mugabe: And how.