Wells Diagnosed With Type 2 Diabetes

David Wells, a pitcher for the San Diego Padres, was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes yesterday by his local doctor in California. Wells has given hope to a nation with his courage in handling the situation. In his first meeting with reporters today, Wells was quoted as saying, "I will beat this." During a time where there is little hope in the world, Wells has inspired a nation, and maybe even the world.

Wells continued answering questions from reporters, and claimed to also be attempting to beat, "the scientific theory, growing old, terrorism, jealousy."

This will cause a drastic lifestyle change for the slightly overweight pitcher, who has often been criticized by team managers for his eating habits and late-night drinking binges. "For the longest time he's been to modern baseball what John Daly, Babe Ruth, and Chris Farley were to golf, classic baseball, and comedy ... the champions of abusing substances and food," said Padres general manager, whom I forgot to ask his name, "This might have been a sign from some higher authority."

Wells believes he won't have any problems with his Type 2 Diabetes. "There are many famous people, famous athletes even, with diabetes like ... like ... Adam Morrison. I'm sure there have been others. I'll be honest, I haven't done my research," said Wells.

However, the interview ended abruptly when Wells was unable to continue due to personal reasons. At the mention of "not eating fast food ever again" Wells became lightheaded and had to sit down. Several seconds later when a reporter asked "what vegetables Wells enjoyed eating" he began dry-heaving and had to leave the room.