Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The Big Crazy Beats up Bitches

You know the old saying, you play with fire, and eventually Ron Artest beats up a woman and embarrasses your entire franchise. The Maloof Brothers made a fortune with their Vegas Casinos, but this betting man could have beaten the pants off the house in this Ron Artest situation. Even Kevin McHale, Danny Ainge, and Billy King look like geniuses now that the Kings humiliated themselves by keeping Ron Artest around too long. Maybe you can’t really get value for a guy like Artest, but there’s a reason for that: HE’S A FUCKING PSYCHO!! Ron-Ron’s latest escapade involved pushing a woman down several times, then preventing her from calling the cops on him, while a three year old cried in the background. From a legal standpoint, I think his best argument is going to be grabbing his crotch and yelling “Chivalry is dead!”

Artest has noticeably struggled to adjust to playing for new coach, Eric “Taxis are for Pussies” Musselman, but he was still turning in strong averages of nearly 19 points, 7 boards, and over two steals a game. So let’s average it out: the Kings had a bad record, which brings out Artest’s TO attitude, he didn’t like the new coach, but his numbers still made him an attractive guy to several teams. Can this woman sue the Kings for negligence? At least she was able to shatter the windshield on his Hummer with a pot…which is terrible publicity for the Hummer on many fronts. Luckily for the Kings, they may be able to remain competitive with their nucleus of Mike Bibby, and….uh….Brad Miller. Honestly, how the hell did Sacramento get this bad this fast? Look at their roster, and you’ll see that Mike Bibby, Francisco Garcia, and Corliss Williamson are the only guys on their team that were noteworthy college basketball players. Go ahead, I defy you http://www.nba.com/kings/roster/.

The good news is that this isn’t the last we’ll see of Artest. He’s nearing a Mike Tyson level of insanity. Remember this is the same guy who got a part-time job at Circuit City when he was playing for the Bulls, so he could get a discount, because he was housing an entourage of nearly 20 people. Don’t rule out the possibility of him playing games of 21 against grade-school kids for five bucks a pop. I’m already looking into booking him as entertainment for my wife’s birthday party.

8 Comments:

Blogger Jumping Bull said...

I heard that Ron and Joey Porter were going into the pitbull-breeding business together, but the deal fell through when Ron learned that he didn't get to have sex with the dogs...(rimshot)

March 6, 2007 at 10:21 AM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

When you are dealing with Ron Artest it really is just a waiting game. He will lay low for a couple of months, but you know he will do something else. In a lot of ways it's like dealing with J.Gantz. He makes this story for you that you think will never be topped and you just relish in it for a week or two. Then a couple of months go by, and somehow he tops himself with another crazy fucking story, and you are upset with yourself that you doubted him and doubted his return to crazytown.

March 6, 2007 at 12:15 PM  
Blogger Runs With Two Horses said...

If Ron Artest finds out you compared him to a 5'2" Jewish man whose testicles haven't descended, I think we'll all pay. But I can't fault your logic.

March 6, 2007 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

Runs,
I think you mean a 5'2" Jewish "vampire" whose testicles haven't descended. And according to that vampire's facebook, I'm pretty sure he lives in Bowling Green, not crazytown.

March 6, 2007 at 12:49 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Vampires make me chuckle.

March 6, 2007 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

Quincy Douby led the Big East in scoring. But he also averaged 15 attempted threes, 12 attempted floaters, and 11 attempted fadeaways.

March 6, 2007 at 2:53 PM  
Blogger SonDog said...

I'm a die-hard Kings fan and I bought an Artest Kings swingman jersey after the season last year... because I lost a bet. Seriously, I didn't really want to buy one. I said to my buddy that there was no way he would stay sane enough to lead them to the playoffs. Well, he did. And now I have an Artest jersey. Damnit.

I knew it would be a throwback before too long, but I didn't think it would be because he was going to beat on his wife (this after getting fined for starving his dogs - which means they were in no shape for dog fighting).

When the Maloofs famously said, "We're gamblers, and we're betting this will work," I didn't realize they were going all in on 93-black.

March 6, 2007 at 5:44 PM  
Blogger the butler said...

Dude, Kevin Martin tore it up at Western Carolina. What do you mean that's not a real school?

And Shareef "the Future" had one monster season at Cal, right?

What I'm hearing from my inside source from the Titans is they're trying to trade Pacman Jones and a seventh-rounder for Artest and a free hand-held Blackjack game.

March 8, 2007 at 4:57 PM  

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