Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Grammy 2007 Headlines

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE PROMISES TO LOOK “EVEN MORE LIKE MOS DEF” AT THIS YEAR’S GRAMMY’S

In a recent interview with Justin Timberlake, the artist responsible for making girls all over the world expect too much fashion sense from their boyfriends, has promised to make a fashion statement at this year’s Grammy’s. Nominated for best album with his sophomore hit “Future Sex/Love Sounds,” Timberlake is hoping to look “even more like Mos Def” at this year’s award show.
“In the past, I have considered my fashion sense a 50/50 mix between Michael Jackson and Mos Def,” says Timberlake, “but this year I’m going 90% Mos Def and 10% Michael Jackson.” Timberlake will be flying solo this year at the awards after recently splitting with his way overrated girlfriend Cameron Diaz. This gives him a 100% chance of sleeping with anyone he wants.

When asked to explain his outfit, Timberlake responded, “Well, it’s a secret. I can’t give it away just yet. But look at pictures of Mos Def from previous award shows, album pictures, and googled images. You’ll find my style.”

“Small brimmed hats, a bandana over my face, a small goatee. These are signatures of the Timberlake/Def style that is so prominent in American culture,” said Timberlake. It seems as though Timberlake will make several outfit changes throughout the night. He is performing with a special fan guest during the show. “I have several brim hats, a couple bandanas … the only question now is how to match them up. I’ll probably call Mos for any help with that.”

JAMES BLUNT WORRIES HAIR WON’T “CURL PROPERLY”

Nominated for his first Grammy’s, James Blunt has a chance to win Best Record and Best New Artist. However, those are the least of Blunt’s concerns for his special night. “My hair will curl. That’s not really the problem. I just hope it curls properly.”

Blunt is well known for his hit single “You’re Beautiful” which catapulted him onto the international scene after brief fame in his United Kingdom home. “Listen, I’m sure my hair will be fine. I mean why would it all of a sudden act up on the most important night of my life? That doesn’t happen, does it?”

Blunt’s video for “You’re Beautiful” features him taking his clothes off and jumping into an open body of water, for reason that are unknown to Blunt, his fans, or the girl he mistakenly thinks is an angel. “I’ve already been through the whole thought process with my hai,” Blunt said, “Do I highlight? Do I dry it with a towel or let it air dry? Or maybe blow dry? Shampoo, Conditioner? Who knows?”

“I promise my fans out there that my hair will be in my eyes. It will look slightly messy, and I will not, I repeat not use a comb. I’m just worried it won’t be received well on the red carpet,” Blunt continued, “But it is on my mind. I will do my best for all of my fans.”

STANDING OVATION FOR REUNITING OF "THE POLICE" REPORTED TO ALREADY BE TOO LONG

When the 2007 Grammy’s are concluded February 11th “The Police” will no longer be Sting and a bunch of other guys who used to be famous. “The Police” are planning a performance that reunites the old band for some of their favorite hits including, “Roxanne”, “So Lonely”, and “Message in a Bottle”. There have already been reports of a standing ovation that will last entirely too long.

“I’ve heard that no one is sitting down or quitting clapping until it just becomes ridiculous,” friend and fellow artist Elton John said, “We are going to try and make it the greatest moment in television.”

Britney Spears, who admittedly doesn’t know of “The Police” thinks it will be a moment the whole world remembers, “I just can’t believe it’s going to happen ya’ll. Kevin used to watch him wrestle every Monday night, and now he’s performing at the Grammy’s. I usually protest the Grammy’s, but I’ll make a conception [sic] and watch this year.”

Standing ovations are the norm at award shows when bands reunite, lifetime achievement awards are presented, or Dick Clark is seen. “It’s just a shame the [Rolling] Stones haven’t broken up yet,” Mick Jagger said, “Our reuniting would really keep people standing and clapping for abnormal lengths of time.”

In other news:
- I am attempting to sublease my apartment for the summer. I posted it on Craig’s List to try and get some interest. I’ve already received about 10 emails from people, mostly from Canada and Africa. Apparently most of the people don’t read the headline stating, “Sublease for May-July” because they all want to move in now and live with me. They all give me an extremely long description of their personality and what kind of roommate they are looking for. Apparently, they also fail to read the description stating, “I am moving out in May after finals and would like to find someone to live in my apartment for the summer.” I also have suspicion that Craig’s List is a forum for homosexual men to meet, because all of the guys tell me real weird stuff like how much money they make, what they enjoy doing, and why they want to live with me. They also want pictures of me and want to know what kind of things interest me. I don’t have a problem with it, but I don’t know how to make my advertisement any more clear. Here is a sample email that Joe sent me:

ABOUT ME:
Name: Joe Wyne
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Age: 25yrs
Height: 5' 6" (167cm)
Weight: 122 pounds (55.0 kg)
Body Style: Athletic/Fit
Activity Level: Active
Smoking: No
Drinking: Socially
Marital Status: Single
Children: I have no kids
Zodiac Sign: Virgo
Languages I speak: English
Ethnicity: Caucasian/White
Religion: Not Religious
Grew up in: Canada
Education: MCSA/MCSE
Occupation:Free Lance Research Consultant
Annual Income: Over $100,000US
ALSO
I'm a quiet and easy going person to live with. My families lives here in Canada and i have no friends in US except you lol. I am currently running a post graduate course here in Canada and hope to end my current post graduate course this month and will love to come down as soon as possible to explore my talent,and i would be coming to do a research work. and hope to have a more profitable job. I do not have a pic presently on my system but will try to attach one to my next mail.
My favorites are;
My favorite cuisines: Barbecue, Chinese/Dim Sum, Deli, Eastern-European, Fast Food/Pizza, French, Greek, Indian, Italian, Japanese/Sushi, Mexican, Seafood, Soul Food, Thai, Vietnamese
My favorite music: Dance/Electronica, Disco, Easy Listening, Pop/Top 40, Rap/Hip Hop, Soul/R&B and Soundtracks.
My favorite physical activities: Basketball, Working Out, Dancing, Swiming and Hiking/Walking
However, based on your mail i will be making a payment of $750 to move in. I must confess i'm comfortable with the cost and its quite reasonable and affordable. I had like to make the payment for the first month ahead of my arrival, and then i will make subsequent payment thereafter as i plan to stay for more than 12months. So i'll client to see you'll get the payment prior to my arriving date.
The things i will be moving in are as follow;
my Mercedes (C-class 2004 model) metalic green.
suite case containing my books
my 26' DELL PLASMA TV and DVD Home theatre
my clothes in three luggages
my desk top computer (COMPAQ) and pieces of furnitures.
Hope to hear from you soon

11 Comments:

Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

Yes, I am this jealous of Justin Timberlake and James Blunt. And Yes, that email is real.

February 7, 2007 at 1:05 AM  
Blogger Jesus' Son said...

T. Monk, I don't think you realize how promising Joe sounds as a roommate. I mean, he has a Mercedes, a plasma screen, and makes over $100,000. Then, as a bonus, he likes soul food, wants to explore talents, and has more than one family. The final thing that makes me think you 2 might be a perfect fit is that it is apparent he writes in a different language then uses www.freetranslation.com when writing e-mails or postings and expects it to be correct.

February 7, 2007 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

Joe's favorite cuisine is apparently every food type that exists.

February 7, 2007 at 11:54 AM  
Blogger El Fuser said...

Monk... do you suppose that there would just as long of a standing ovation for Elton John if he got back in the closet and made good music again?

Respectfully Submitted
-El Fuser-

February 7, 2007 at 12:37 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

It's about time Che started reading this blog.

February 7, 2007 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

I'm receiving emails at an alarming rate. Here is the latest: Hello,
How are you doing?i am Sherice Williams. I am 29years of age from USA[NY] but presently leading a program in the Repulic of irland.I study in the united-kingdom i study to become a business admininistrator. I attended Abraham Lincoln University Los Angeles, CALIFORNIA US. I am a very clean and good gentle lady who always love to make friends with people,my hobbies are:cooking,driving,travelling and shopping.
I saw your appartment on the listing and will love to stay in there with you before I return back to USA.I will love you to reply to me as soon as possible with your contact and address and also,
I will want you to let me know how much it gonna cost me for 3 month

February 7, 2007 at 1:42 PM  
Blogger Dean said...

I applied to Abraham Lincoln University Los Angeles - didn't get in. Good school.

February 7, 2007 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

You just won the award for most comments on a single post...oh wait, three of them are yours. Also, you're kinda like the joan rivers of awesomeusa!

February 7, 2007 at 4:07 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

i'm thinking about letting this woman move in with me, because we both consider driving a hobby.

February 7, 2007 at 4:22 PM  
Blogger Jinglebells tator-tots said...

Here's a post from T-monk I envision seeing in the near future:
"February 14
Dear journal,
Today is Valentine's day, but I don't care. I'm pretty sure Valentine's day was invented by Pygmies. So I was watching the Price is Right this morning, and found myself grately missing Rod Roddy. Nobody could invite people to 'come on down' like that man. So I'm sitting their, watching people wager $1200 for a mini-fridge (nobody pays $1200 for a mini fridge you stupid fuckers) when I realized how hot Barkers' Beauties are. God, I'd stick it in all of them. Give them a little Payne train you know, just begettin' them hardcore. Then I went to class, which sucked as usual. Class always sucks when your in law school. Oh well, at least the Conan was funny tonight. Well, I guess this is good night journal. Until tomorrow..."

February 7, 2007 at 4:24 PM  
Blogger Codename Curveball (aka Hey, fuck you, pal) said...

I am sorry, but I don't think a 26 foot TV will fit in your apartment. Someone needs to tell that hoser that the proper way to refer to inches is with the double apostrophe (aka the unpaired quotation).

February 8, 2007 at 4:18 PM  

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