Saturday, January 20, 2007

NFL and Kevin Durant Predictions

Colts v. Pats
– I am still not convinced Peyton Manning can win the big game, and this will be the biggest game of his career so far. Actually, I’m convinced Peyton has what it takes to win big games he just never will. I’m a big believer of karma in sports, and Peyton’s karma goes ice cold in the playoffs. The Colts do have the greatest clutch kicker of all time, which if obtained a year earlier would have purchased Indianapolis with a Super Bowl ticket. But I still don't feel they will be able to get past the beautiful specimen that is Tom Brady and his quirky, sleeveless sidekick Bill Belichek. Beyond the Colts own problems, they are facing their playoff achilles heel. The Patriots are almost the complete opposite of the Colts, their karma only gets better as they advance further in the playoffs. Brady must have died in a previous life while saving orphans, kitties, and puppies from a burning building, because he definitely has forces working for him in this life. Tom Brady hasn’t had the type of season he typically has, but he’s throwing to an entirely new receiving corp. Troy Brown made one of the most amazingingly important clutch plays of NFL playoff history when Brady threw an interception against the Chargers and Brown stripped the ball from him allowing the Patriots to recover. They, somehow, just have everything working for them again. I am predicting that the Patriots win this game with a touchdown and then Brady has beautiful, good-looking, supermodel sex with Giselle Bundchen, while Peyton returns home to watch his tivo-ed commercials and slowly drink scotch. As his wife, standing in the entrance to the living behind Peyton says, “Honey, would you like some company,” Peyton raises a middle finger into the and takes a last sip of scotch before passing out with his hand down his pants. He slips into a quiet dream where he and Tom Brady walk hand in hand down candy cane lanes and popsicle forests and the only television available are Peyton’s insurance and Gatorade Rain commercials.

Saints v. Bears
– The Bears offense does just enough to win this one. The Saints appear rusty from the beginning of the game and never get on track against the powerful Bears defense. I really think the Saints are a better team overall, and are going to be extremely dangerous in a year or two, but the Bears defense just keeps putting them in positions to win games. If Rex doesn't play as if his brain is leaking intellegence down the back of his throat the Bears will win. I predict after a 10-point loss to the Bears everyone in the stadium (mostly Bears fans) gives the Saints a standing ovation and it is regarded as one of the most powerful moments in sports. That is until, Rex Grossman coaxes Brian Urlacher into removing a strip on his jersey that says “Grossman” to reveal the word “H. Katrina.” Grossman, mistakenly assuming the applause is for him, begins to mime the act of masturbation, and it suddenly becomes one of the most awkward moments in sports. Natty Bumpo then has to cover his eyes and scream, “Oh God! Why are they showing this?” And for once, he’s right.

Kevin Durant
- Durant is drafted by the Boston Celtics with the 2nd pick of the 2007 NBA Draft after being named the Naismith College Player of the Year in 2006-2007. Durant immediately begins dunking really hard and shooting threes really well in the NBA. Bill Simmons refuses to write about anyone or anything else for the rest of his life and soon relinquishes his position at ESPN, which is then filled by a team of young, j.d. holding ass-clowns. The youngest of these ass clowns sparks the interest of Giselle Bundchen, who leaves her now aging husband, Tom Brady, to spend weekends with this brash, intriguing editorialist who has a “medium to hefty sized penis.” Even Tom Brady is infatuated with the charisma of this iconic sports writer and the two of them hang out frequently at social events. Tom often tells this young dashing sports writer how happy he is Giselle left him for this man, for without her crushing his heart and soul they would never have become friends. Giselle and the sports writer with dark flowing hair make sweet, Caribbean love for many years, until she becomes to old for him. They have a child together and the world openly hopes the child receives more of the father's physical features.

1 Comments:

Blogger Runs With Two Horses said...

I've never been more excited about Kevin Durant's future. I'm going to spy on you with your wife and witness all the adventures of your medium to hefty penis.

January 21, 2007 at 12:20 PM  

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