Airing the Grievances

I’m struggling to find a foothold here. The sun rose the morning after UK completely schruted a 17 point lead and took an L home from Georgia, but I couldn’t feel its warmth. I think Tubby’s job security is actually going to get a little shaky. On the flip side, I’m hopeful that my favorite NFL team picks Wade Fucking Phillips as its next head coach. Oh wait, that’s not the flip side. It’s the same side of that dirty little penny that spent years being abused on the floor of a subway. It’s that side covered in urine, vomit, and STDs. Looks like I’m going to have to release a torrent of internal anger into cyberspace to keep me from losing it. I got a lot of problems with these people, so let’s get this started.

Tubby Smith: Alright Orlando, you baited me into coming back. Just when I started to trust you again, you kicked me right in the balls. Why, Tubby? I hate so much about the things you choose to be. On Saturday you lost to Vandy for the third straight time, I don’t think I need to belabor the point of how sad that is. Then you lose to Georgia in an absolute must-win situation. How do you blow a 17 point lead? I know how. First you build a 17 point lead. You do this by running up and down the floor, playing all the reserves, pressuring on defense, and feeding the ball to the hot hand. Then you quit doing every one of those things. They were honestly trying to milk the clock with about 15 minutes left in the game. The worst part is that these are Tubby’s kind of players. These are exactly the guys he’s hand-picked to form a great team. So for all the people that want to say that UK is young, remember that Ohio State and UNC are much younger. I’d talk about this more, but it’s making me throw up in my mouth when I think about it.

Wade Phillips: Somehow I don’t think Tom Landry would approve of Wade Phillips getting his old job, but that’s the world we live in. Wade Phillips resume reads a little like this: four head coaching jobs, and one wasn’t a disaster…but his dad, Bum Phillips, was a legendary coach. I always feel a little bad for guys who have to live in their dad’s shadows, I already pity my poor progeny that will forever be eclipsed by my legendary status. But it’s a little different when your dad’s name is “Bum.” For those of you out of the loop, “bum” is an urban slang word that either means “a homeless person” or “someone’s ass.” If you can’t outclass a guy named Bum, then I don’t want you misguiding America’s team.

Bill Parcells: What kind of an asshole finishes the season, works for two weeks, and then retires? He let all of Dallas’ assistant coaches leave, and then let all the good coaching candidates get signed by other teams. And Parcells isn’t easily replaceable. Leonard put it best when he told me the Cowboys just lost a nice pair of tits. I wonder what Parcells was doing for the last two weeks. Is his successor going to get access to whatever work he was getting done? I know what I would have done if I was really rich and kept going to work when nobody else was showing up. I would have done two chicks at the same time. But that’s just how I roll.

Ken Whisenhunt – I guess I’m really not mad at Ken Whisenhunt, but you have to question anyone who thinks it’s in his best interests to coach the Arizona Cardinals. He also is going to deprive us of awesome sound clips from Denny Green, so I hold that against him. Fifth, he hired a guy to be his offensive coordinator who still has a pending law suit regarding an alleged rat in his meal at a Taco Bell. Lastly, did you know he’s only 45 years old? The years haven’t been kind, Kenny, but that’s what you get when you work in the steel mills to make ends meet when you’re trying to support your family off a measly offensive coordinator salary.

Sal Masekela – do I really have to explain this? We’re talking about a black guy who is “super-hyped yo” about Winter X Games. And it’s worse than that. He’s becoming a Ryan Seacrest figure of sports. Everywhere you look, Sal Masekela is sticking his stupid dread-locked head in front of the camera and ruining whatever you were watching. I feel a little bit like ESPN is a show, not a channel. Stay with me. Remember in the Cosby show when Rudy started getting older, and they realized that Bill Cosby’s major appeal was how funny he was when he worked with little kids? Then they randomly bring Raven Symone into the show, so they can basically turn back the hands of time. I think ESPN realized Stu Scott was getting old and worn out, so they tried to bring a cuter, littler Stu, complete with stupid hair and no lazy eyes. Unfortunately three out of four of us don’t like Stu Scott in the first place. So I think it’s a lose-lose-lose situation. Booyah!

Rick Pitino -- Just kidding Ricker. I’m pretty smitten by you since you wore that white suit against UConn. The bad news is that Pitino’s white suit will probably be the most exciting detail about UofL’s season. We all assumed that your presence at UofL would be the nail in the coffin for Tubby, yet surprisingly, your sucky Cards are one of the best things Tubby has going.