Friday, December 08, 2006

For You, My Dearest Haystacks. For You.

After a conversation last week, Haystacks suggested I do a daily log entry. In essence, a return to my days as a codpieces contributor. It has taken a full week, but finally there has been a day worth logging. I present it to you, our seven faithful readers. And I call it: Thelonious Monk’s Greatest Fucking Day Ever. There are five main characters, each with a nickname for easier use. (1) Overweight Man who Gels His Hair Way Too Fucking Much (also known as Gelly), (2) Dorky Man who Cares Way Too Much About His Positive Feedback on Amazon (also known as Stevie the Amazon Nerd), (3) Girl Who Looks Like She Has Metal Pole Up Her Ass (also known as Metal Pole), (4) Pregnant Girl Who Cries (also known as Preggy), and (5) Thelonious.

6:35 - Wake up.

6:37 - Take a shower

6:50 - Water freezes to body due to temperature of apartment

7:00 - Leave for school

7:03 - Realize I’ve made huge fucking mistake by deciding to walk to school.

7:05 - Don’t see any crazy people, they aren’t out when it’s this cold.

7:30 - Sit in lounge, study for Contracts final (Instead read about Troy Smith’s troubled childhood and wonder why my mom didn’t do a lot of drugs)

8:15 - Go to room 306 and set computer up in preparation for Contracts final.

This is the conversation that followed (no exaggeration):

Gelly: I had a good night last night ...
Metal Pole: What do you mean?
Gelly: ... and a good morning.
Stevie the Amazon Nerd: Oh, with that girl you went out with last week?
Gelly: Yeah, baby.
Metal Pole: I’m a girl. I don’t know whether to give you a high five or be disgusted.
All: (laughs all around, minus Thelonious)
Thelonious: Hey, do you guys know if we can sell our books back today?
Gelly: Yeah, but you can only get 10 dollars for your Torts book. You might as well just sell it on Amazon.
Thelonious: Really?
Stevie the Amazon Nerd: But they’ve got so much writing in them you probably can’t even sell it.
Thelonious: Well I’ll just say mine is in perfect condition, and they will get a surprise when they get it.
Stevie the Amazon Nerd (really concerned, and on the verge of upset): BUT YOU’LL GET NEGATIVE FEEDBACK!

Silence until the test begins

8:50 - Go outside to use the bathroom.

8:51 - Pass Preggy crying for the second time I have seen during Finals Week

8:52 - A teacher is consoling her. I thank God teacher is there so I don’t have to stop.

8:53 - She sees me again as I leave the bathroom. She’s still crying. We make eye contact for three seconds. I look away to make it seem like I don’t notice, but we both know that I do. I feel awkward.

8:55 - Final begins

12:25 - Final Ends

1:00 - Eat lunch

1:12 - Look in mirror and notice odd discoloration on my nose

1:13 - Look closer, see strong discoloration

1:15 - Realize blood vessels have burst in my nose creating odd purple color. Debate going out in public

1:30 - Decide to say fuck it, going out with blood vessels burst in my nose will show everyone I don’t really care about physical appearance.

1:44 - Arrive at law school steps. See a chunky boy of 12 years drinking hot chocolate out of a styrofoam cup with a spoon. He has the hot chocolate all over his face. There are big spots of it everywhere.

1:45 - Arrive at law school

1:46 - Begin scratching nose to try and cover the discoloration on my nose (It doesn’t work)

1:47 - Realize I am still a very vain and shallow man.

1:50 - Sit down to study in student lounge

1:52 - Hear dog barking. Realize there is a dog in a girl’s purse not three feet from me. The dog is staring at me. I think it is possessed.

1:55 - Hear the dog’s name. It is Halo. Wish it was named after the video game, but realize it is probably the halo that angels wear.

2:15 - The dog gets out of the purse. It is wearing a shirt. The shirt is neon green with pink trim. I throw up in my mouth.

2:30 - 12 year old boy with hot chocolate all over his face comes into student lounge. He must be a professor’s son. He still has the hot chocolate on his face.

2:34 - I wonder why he was drinking it with a spoon. Think to myself how weird kids are.

2:35 - 2:39 - Moment of enlightenment as I think to myself how the 12 year old boy and I both share the same unpleasant discoloration on our faces. He is oblivious. I try to hide my scars. In many ways we are all the same and he has taught me that pity physical deformations are frivolous and matter not to the greater cause that exists on our earth. We are all connected. Gelly, Stevie the Amazon Nerd, Metal Pole, Preggy, Hot Chocolate Boy, and Me. Wow, these people aren’t so different from me. I am them and they are me. I must develop this.

2:40 - Ah fuck it. I go to ESPN.com. I check the Iverson trade rumors and forget what I was thining.

2 Comments:

Blogger Leonard Peltier said...

Think I could get ol' Preggy's number? Thanks.

December 8, 2006 at 7:50 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

Crying women is kind of Leonard's raison d'etre...if the bitch aint cryin', Leonard aint tryin'!

December 8, 2006 at 8:10 PM  

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