Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Bron Bron's New Home

Lebron James is building a new home in a suburb about 20 miles south of Cleveland. The master bedroom's two story closet will be larger than many of the homes in the suburb, which means it will probably be burned to the ground by disgruntled neighbors within the next year. As ESPN reported, "Lebron is building a home fit for a King." But the type of king who felt his home needed to be way too fucking big and expensive - maybe a king like Louis XIV. Here is a list of what the house will include:

Two-story closet in Master Bedroom
Casino
Theatre
Bowling Alley
27x27 foot Dining Room
Barbershop (the actual one from the movie, with the actors playing their respective parts when Lebron needs a haircut)
Large portraits of himself
Statue of himself
3 winding staircases
Gym
Exercise Room
Spa
Sauna
Jacuzzi
Hot Tub
Pool Table/Game Room
Large Pool
5.6 Acres of land
Enough fur coats and jerseys to field seven baseball teams, three football teams and Fat Joe's Terror Squad

Here is what the home will not include:
Taste
Humility

17 Comments:

Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

How about over 1,000 Scarface posters?

March 28, 2007 at 2:09 PM  
Blogger Runs With Two Horses said...

This mansion should really help Lebron's image with all those people that think he's sort of quit playing hard, and is more concerned with being famous.

March 28, 2007 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

Yes, I left out the 1,000 Scarface Posters and Airbrush portrait of Tupac and Biggie on one of the walls in his game room, because I thought they were a given.

March 28, 2007 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

The mansion will also include: Livestrong wristband hangers, specially designed staircase to account for duck-like walking, Wee-man (Leonard's arch-nemesis)dressed as a jester for the King's Court.

The mansion will also not include: crunchtime play-making abilities

March 28, 2007 at 2:31 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

By the way, Jumping Bull's comment leads to a question that we haven't considered here on Awesome USA!: Why does Leonard hate Wee Man so much? His hatred for Wee Man seems to rival his hatred for Tim Boling.

March 28, 2007 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

And why does he hate posting new entries on AwesomeUSA. I thought he hated Tim Boling because Tim was the Bizarro Leonard.

March 28, 2007 at 2:45 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

Thelonius:
Word on the street is that Leonard is getting close to publishing a much-anticipated "Tribute to mustaches" post; however, I've heard that artistic differences between Natty and Leonard over said subject has contributed to the delay of this posting.

March 28, 2007 at 3:19 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

First, Tim is Bizarro-Leonard. Second, there were artistic differences concerning the facial hair post. My opinion is that there is no such thing as a good moustache. Finally, as you all know I live with Leonard, or, I should say, lived with Leonard. I haven't seen Leonard for nearly 7 weeks. I've actually heard that he's working on a post about peeing in your pants.
I invite anyone and everyone to tell the legend of the battle that took place between Tim and Leonared that gave rise to this bloody rivalry.

March 28, 2007 at 3:32 PM  
Blogger Thelonius Monk said...

It occured in an intramural basketball game, right? If that's the case Leonard should also have a rivalry with Mike Baker and Greg "My cum is my life energy" guy.

March 28, 2007 at 3:53 PM  
Blogger Jumping Bull said...

The rendition I was told is as follows:
Leonard was sporting his new pair of Third generation MJ’s on the b-ball court. Tim and Leonard were guarding each other. Tim got tired of Leonard’s up-and-under move every time Leonard got the ball, so Tim stepped on Leonard’s Jordans. Leonard proceeded to spit in Tim’s ear. All hell broke loose from that point on. DPS was finally summoned to put an end to the scrap. Tim was banned from ever entering the Beck Center again; however, Leonard was also banned from ever performing his up-and-under at the Beck Center again.

March 28, 2007 at 3:57 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Jumping Bull,
You're right on the money. However, you left out a few things. For instance, Tim kept calling Leonard a "joker." Over and over again. Finally, Leonard said something to the effect of, "Joker, huh? Well, I got your mom pregnant." One of them threw the ball at the other one's head, the game was stopped for a short period of time, and I think both may have been escorted off the court.

March 28, 2007 at 4:02 PM  
Blogger Runs With Two Horses said...

Why did Father Jim sell his paintings?

March 28, 2007 at 4:24 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Because he was wearing Leonard's fart pants?

March 28, 2007 at 4:28 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

By the way, if you're out there, Leonard, and I'm not sure that you are, we need a response from you. We need to hear your side of the story. If this means you need to borrow a laptop with global wireless capabilities so that you can post from your jungle hideout, so be it.

March 28, 2007 at 6:38 PM  
Blogger the butler said...

Spitting in a man's ear is crossing the line. I mean, really, that sounds like it would take impeccable timing and coordination.

March 28, 2007 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger Natty Bumpo said...

Not to mention impeccable hatred.

March 28, 2007 at 6:54 PM  
Blogger Runs With One Horse said...

I used to listen to Impeccable Hatred a lot until they got a new drummer.

March 28, 2007 at 7:30 PM  

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