Why I Hate Greg Oden

Delayed response? Yeah, I guess you could say that. But the more I think about Greg Oden, the more he pisses me off. Let me count the ways. First of all, I’m sick of him looking older than Mr. McAtee, the guy who has been collecting my parents’ garbage for 19 years. In an unrelated note, Mr. McAtee’s entire family is involved in his garbage collecting business. One time the garbage truck was broken and they had to use somebody’s old Cadillac, complete with two guys standing on the rear bumper with the trunk open as if the Caddy was a real garbage truck. His niece asked me for a beer once when I was nine years old. I felt guilty because I thought my racist dogs hurt black people’s feelings when they barked at them, so she did get a beer.

I also hate how big of a deal people made about Oden’s left-handed free-throw shooting. If he could make 90% with his right hand, I’d be way more impressed than 60% with his left. The guy is supposed to be the best center prospect since Bill Russell, and we’re supposed to do back-flips because he can make three out of five free throws with his left hand? I’ll hold my applause. There’s actually a chance Mike Conley Jr. could end out being a better pro than Oden (I’ll give it a 20% chance, just for the hell of it).

If refs didn’t give Oden nine fouls a game I don’t think anyone would know for sure if he was better than Hasheem Thabeet (who sucks, by the way). Of course, Greg slacked off for most of the season and totally redeemed himself at the end of the season. I know he’s good, and probably on track to become historically great, but absolutely everything he did came with a caveat. The annihilation of Wisconsin in the Big 10 tournament (which came without Brian Butch, and then we saw just how much that meant when Wisconsin bowed out in the first weekend), then there was Oden helping OSU to come back against Xavier (with an intentional foul no-call of Laettneresque proportions), the amazing block at the end of the game against Tennessee (on a wild shot that probably wasn’t going in, taken but UT’s fourth best player), and the no-show against Georgetown. I’ll give him the championship game, but let’s be honest, that game was never as close as the score indicated, Oden wasn’t doubled once, and he still fagged out at the end. He also should have had about 12 technicals during the course of the tournament from doing chin-ups on the rim. If Greg tries to do that to Danny Fortson next year, it will be a blood bath.

Now to the real beef of my argument. We all know that Oden is a big time scholar. He loves to learn, and school means a lot to him. Greg is having a hard time deciding whether or not to go pro because he wants to get a degree. Let’s work this out. Is there any way Oden stays all four years? No. Can he graduate in two years? Not unless he’s going for the sociology degree that all those Duke players favor. Weigh out the risk versus reward, Greg. You could either go pro, and get enough money so you can always go back and get that teaching certificate you fancy so much, or you could risk a major injury and actually have to rely on said teaching certificate. Can you imagine having Greg Oden as a high school teacher? I’d throw rocks at him everyday to remind him how smart he was to go back to school. I think Oden is stringing everyone along so that people talk about his big decision instead of justifiably continuing to marvel at Kid Nut Raven.

Aside

Factoid of the tourney that I found most amusing à Billy Packer said “fag out” and it wasn’t a Joakim Noah reference. HEEEYYYOOO!! I’ll be here all weekend.

Did anyone see Nate Robinson pretend like he was going to get in a fight when the Bulls ran the score up on the Knicks last night? Honestly, how small is that guy’s penis? And how awkward do you think it was in Renaldo Balkman tried to get Randolph Morris fired up in case there actually was a fight? Does Isaiah just let Randolph hibernate at the end of the bench?

I’m sorry that nobody on the blog has written about this, but apparently Mike Vick is a wine connoisseur. I don’t really know what to do with this, but I think it’s funny.

The NFL draft is quickly approaching and my beloved Cowboys filled all their needs with second-tier talent via free agency. This puts them in a great position to take the best player available. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I’m holding out for Steve Lattimer, the face-painted maniac of fame from The Program. With the dawn of HGH, Lattimer’s dome is bigger than Jason Kidd’s son’s head.

I feel obligated to add that I might be the happiest person about the emergence of Walter Herrmann. He plays for the Bobcats, who I'm convinced will be a dynasty within three years (I just ignore the Michael Jordan personnel decisions and keep believing what I want). He is Argentinian, but has a blonde ponytail. He has an awesome name, and he completely dominated Team USA with his dazzling array of screens and hustle plays back in '04. I'm disappointed that the true American Dream had to come from South America, but I can't begrudge Walter for that. I told Natty three years ago that I was going to buy a Walter Herrmann Argentina National Team jersey, but I didn't have any money. Then I married a woman who can afford to support my addictions to cocaine and porn, but she draws the line at supporting foreign players. C'est la vie.